A land of Canadian Blasphemy

Black Journal: Vol. 2 

September 3, 2009— 

I am the Amazon Queen. 

How can I possibly begin to explain how I feel now? Words in a way have lost all of their meaning, because I find that I am [calm at rest, and yet] always stumbling over what I say. What I say and how I feel are constant contradictions that I cannot escape. (And only I will ever know about it). My brain overrides sometimes, I feel, and produces actions or responses that I would not make, say or do otherwise; naturally, at heart. 

I always play disappearing acts to avoid having to come face-to-face with reality. (Maybe?)… . I can’t explain what I mean fully, but hopefully the words will come out later. 

Fourth trip on Acid has made me realize a multitude of things. The first, is that real beauty, beauty you cannot necessarily see (alone), but beauty that you can feel, see, and touch … Beauty that you can feel gnawing at you, that is only so great when accompanied by all of the senses—exists when the world spins. Forget everything else: memories, smells, etc… Real beauty exists when and where the world spins. 

I have also realized that I will be fine on my own. I am real, in the sense that I exist alone—can breathe and nourish myself on my own; my “future” is infinite. Life is infinite until I am supposed to die—and that could be today!—so why not embrace all that I have now? (While I can). I am real. I am living. I am here. (I am real). 

I am watching loons patrolling the lake. They are all swimming in the center, slowly. Peace seems to embody them. (And it does, until the jet skiers come back outside for another round). 

—What a reassuring thing to witness two people in a genuine moment. (I noticed Henry crying at the end of the dock, with George by his side). I have also realized that love exists everywhere. Also, “you are what you love, not what loves you”. (True statement). 

How can you express when you feel such “enlightenment”? —To those who have not experienced it (yet), especially. (Pessimism plagues the mind; it is like a disease … And I have no use for it). 

—The jet skiers have disappeared … And now the loons are coming back out. 
—I am trying to contain my excessive smiling, but … Nothing works.

-ST

(My new favorite unknown writer)